Finding Purpose in My Pain
I wrote this journal entry back in October, intending to share it at some point in the future, but it never felt right until now. My “step-daughter’s” mother just lost her battle with cancer. It has been an incredibly heavy week. Carlie is only 15, and even though we have been waiting for this call, it doesn’t make this any easier. My heart breaks for everyone who lost her mother. Over the last year, I have built a relationship with this young teenager, I have thought about what I would say to her mother if I ever got the chance (never expecting to have the opportunity). Last Sunday, I was gifted the experience of witnessing Carlie say her last goodbye to the woman who gave her life. I was also allowed to share a moment with Carlie and her mother alone so that I could tell her how much I love her daughter, and that I promise to guide and protect her while always reminding Carlie of her mother’s voice. This experience was so much harder than I imagined it would be. The universe gave me this young girl because I am ready for this responsibility. It is a testament to the work I have done and continue to do, the life I have experienced, and the pain I have alchemized into wisdom. I have never felt more belonging than I do now, these two beautiful souls are my family.
October 20, 2023
It’s only been a few months but my heart knows this is where I belong. The last 4 months have been filled with joy, freedom, safety, and LOVE. I’m not the same as I was when we first connected (15 years ago) Though I wish we hadn’t missed out on all that time together, it allowed me to grow and heal my toxic traits. I have spent years breaking down and rebuilding so that I could show up for myself in new ways and also in a true partnership. I am not the same as I was even just a few months ago. A tender love can do that for you, I have been gifted this space to be accepted just as I am, ALL of me. He challenges me to step into arenas that are out of my comfort zone so that he can witness my growth and the potential he sees in me. It has caused me to go deeper so that I can share my journey, stepping into my purpose, it’s my next evolution…
And with Evolution... through the inevitable aspect of this incredibly delicate, amazingly intricate, sometimes confusing, often painful, yet beautifully mystical human experience, we live, we learn…
We Grow. We Evolve. We Expand.
Life is similar to a spiral, extending in all directions. We gain awareness and wisdom through assimilating all experiences, both personal and observed.
For me, relationships have always been one of the greatest initiators, activators, and ultimate teachers. It is a sure way to meet all parts of ourselves, providing an opportunity to learn accountability and boundaries, improve our communication skills, and understand our needs and nature as humans.
I believe that intimate partnership has the potential to be a vehicle through which we can dive deeper than ever before, inevitably uncovering any aspects within us that long to be seen, heard, understood, strengthened, softened, healed, forgiven, and ultimately fully loved in all our humanness.
I want to take a moment to acknowledge my relationship with this man…
Whether it’s timing, compatibility, or just a testament to the work we’ve both put in and are still doing, I can honestly say that navigating difficult subjects, situations, and challenges, has been more beautiful & rewarding than I’ve ever experienced in any partnership. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in a way I’ve never experienced has been scary but oh so worth it, and even more so, continues to inspire me. I’ve also had the opportunity to care for the most amazing teenage girl I’ve ever met… A unique experience for me, that has also awoken my inherent maternal instincts in a way I’ve never experienced (or expected!) it was very natural and immediate. It feels fulfilling to me in a way I have also not yet experienced in this life.
I feel called to honor this man alone… For not only for being a human of such high integrity, but for his rock-like, steady, love, care, and patience that I’ve had the pleasure and privilege of witnessing.
His patience, intelligence, and kindness are something I deeply honor. His incredibly unique gifts of thoughtfulness, affection, and self-awareness are just a bonus to the invaluable reflection that his being alone has offered me, enabling me to meet, explore, safely navigate, and grow into new parts of myself, as well as let go of some old ones.
I am grateful for his powerfully calming & grounding presence. I’ve never felt so safe and cared for, the healing that comes with witnessing him be a father to this young girl has healed parts of my heart I didn’t know needed mending. To say I’m grateful would be an understatement. I love you and Carlie with every ounce of my being and will love you until my last breath. You brought me back to life ♥️
